Humour and Death

Humour and Death? Really?


I've reading through an old 'Writer's Magazine' today (Issue February 2016) and found a few writing exercises on 'humour. One of the exercises suggests thinking of a certain topic (it lists: love, pets, parenting, death, illness, middle age). Then, write down a list of things you associate with this topic, and think of people who could illustrate those points. Then, put into an amusing short anecdote.


Now, before I even started on this, one thought struck me straight away. Death? Can there ever be an amusing / humorous story about death. Can death every be amusing? I can think straight away of ways that death can be good (a relief from a a long illness maybe). Or, thinking of a crime story here, a kidnap victim would be very happy when if the captor dies. But of course feeling relief and / or happiness does not mean it is funny. 

So we are left with dark comedy and morbid humour. As we know, this can easily offend, and certainly is not for everyone. So I am getting into dangerous writing territory already. A fine line to cross into the offensive. We do not joke about dead people and people dying, about funerals. Is it respect? Is it because most of us have experienced the death of a loved and simply found it so harrowing that there is certainly no humour to be found. Or maybe also because death and funerals is still something we don't really want to talk about - generally, whether humorous or not. 

It's a challenge and I'll try to come up with a story now. 

Grey or Gray

What is the correct spelling? Grey or Gray?
Do I have grey hair or gray hair? 
(and no, it is completely irrelevant here what shade of grey/gray we are talking about!)

First: both are correct, but gray is the American version whereas grey is British English. Both forms are used in both US and UK, but in America gray is simply more common and used about 80% of the time.

As I am typing this on my laptop with the British English Dictionary installed, the spelling gray is actually highlighted in red as spelling mistake, and the autocorrect wants to correct it to Gary! So there is my answer I suppose.

I was writing a character description of an Asian Immigration Officer who wears a wig which is very obvious to identify as a wig, mainly because does not really suit him due to the wig not allowing for a single grey hair. He is of that age where a few grey hairs should show. Now the setting of this scene is going to be an airport immigration office in an Asian country - so there is the question whether they would American or British English. But in any event, I shall stick to British English in my writing. As always, consistency is key, so once you decided on one spelling, stick to it. And best not to mix up American English and British English in one book / article. 


Happy Writing
Peg x 

The £50 loaf of bread

Imagine the village’s food store, and it’s the only food store around here. Sure, there are other ways of getting your food – driving to the next big town, eating what’s in your store cupboard, growing your own. But let’s say you can only go to the village food store. And you want to buy bread.

The only loaf of bread available is £50. Clearly priced, nothing sneaky. You don’t have to buy it. You won’t die of starvation if you don’t buy this bread. But surely, this is just a ridiculous amount of money to pay for a loaf of bread. Daylight robbery. No ingredient or labour can be that expensive to warrant such a price. But, one might argue, if you chose to buy it and it’s clearly priced as such, well, that’s your problem. If you fall for it, if you are foolish enough to buy it, that surely is your problem, isn’t it?

I have just recently returned from a 7 day holiday in Turkey. What’s that got to do with the price of bread? Just bear with me here.  My mobile phone bill, normally a modest £38, is a whopping £96.17. All the extra charges are for calls abroad. Now I was pretty sure that roaming was turned off (the hotel had Wifi!), and I made sure that I only called home about 3 times. Yes, I was aware of the charges as they kindly informed me so via text message on arrival. But I was pretty confident that that amount must be wrong. I mean, come on, 3 phone calls. Maybe 4. Itemised bill check: Yes, there were 3 actual calls, about £3-£4 each. Also got charged £1.50 every time I tried to call my daughter and it went to answer machine (call duration 2 seconds). Got charged £1.25 every time I received a call, and a few of them had been the very informative: ‘We are contacting you about your PPI’ computer voices (call duration 2 seconds).  Yes, I actually paid for the most annoying and anger inducing phone call in the world! Got charged every time my husband gave me a quick call (‘Are you in the room or by the pool?’).

For that amount of money, I could have probably booked a cheap flight to the UK and back to Turkey mid-week. But at least now I know how they can afford to pay for my £1 lunch deal every Monday.  That’s a lot of sandwiches.

Creative writing exercises

Here are some creative writing exercises to try. I knew some of them, but others I didn't and I thought it would like to share them. As with every creative writing exercise, use them to train your writing skills generally or as a kickstart when stuck (see how I try to avoid the dreaded word one does not mention ....otherwise known as writers block.



1. Free writing

This is quite a common creative writing exercise and probably one of the best known. I bet you that was the first creative writing exercise you got taught.

Very simple. Set a time limit (usually 5 or 10 minutes) and start writing. Do not think too much what you are writing, do not stop writing. Just continue with whatever comes in your mind and without looking back at what you have written. Make sure you don't get disturbed!

You can either just start writing straight out, or set a starting sentence.




2. Show don't tell

Of course, every aspiring writer knows the 'show, don't tell' rule. 
Take a simple sentence which 'shows' and try to rewrite it so it 'tells'.


He was very muscular and went to the gym regularly: 

He was never seen without a gym bag slung over his shoulder, and I always feared for his t-shirts ripping from those biceps. 


----
She was upset after the argument:

There was no shouting, no stomping up the stairs. But her head turning around quickly and just a quick glimpse of her swelling eyes could not betray her. 

----

He walked home in the rain:

'How long did it take you to get home? Don't come in here with those wet clothes.'




3. How do you feel

Describe how you feel right now. Listen to your body. Hungry? How does that feel? Tired? Hot?




4. Word association

Chose a random word and write anything which comes in your mind about this word. You could try to simple take a book / newspaper, close your eyes and point at any word.

Sun: weather, holiday, Mallorca, BBQ's, global warming, bikini, skin cancer
Profile : internet, facebook, picture, relationships, old friends

Apart from a few obvious ones, the associations will be very personal to you. For example, if you are not on Facebook, the word Profile may have a very different association for you. I love Mallorca and spend many happy times in the sun there. 

To take this exercise further, take 5 words and write associations. Than, write a short story using those 5 words and some of the associations. 




5. Genre - Place - Time


Chose a genre, a place and a time and write a short story.

Romance - Paris - Christmas
Crime - village - night



6. What if

Imagine 'What if' and write a short story
What if:

...I had been born in India
...trees could talk



7. Superlatives

Think of superlatives and write what comes in your mind:

• the nastiest person I ever met
• the most expensive present I have ever given
• the loneliest person

8. Clothes

T
Think of an item of clothing or an accessory and write about it.

• what time period is it from
• who could have worn it, what was their social standing
• detailed description of the item

9. Pictures / Painting

Look at a picture or a painting and write whatever comes in your mind about this. It could be pictures of your wedding, holiday pictures, pictures in magazines or famous paintings. It does not need to be the truth!



10. Quotes


Take a famous quote (can be from a 'real' person or fictional - movie character) and write a story around it. Again, it does not need to be the truth and a story about the real person. It's more fun to change the story around.

I have a dream (Martin Luther King)
I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse (The Godfather)


11. Box

I open a

•  box 
•  email 
• train door

and...

Continue the story. 

12. Being Angry

Imagine being really angry with a non-living object and describe why and how it feels and write the dialogue.

• washing machine broke
• train delayed

Now do the same with a person / animal. 

13. Synesthesia 

Mix senses, perceptions and feelings and write about it.

• how does love taste
• what colour is silence
• where does anguish exist
• what language does bereavement speak

Mis 


14. All your senses

Take an object, engage all your senses to describe the object and write anything that comes in your mind about this object.

• a pen (what colour. how does it smell, where/when does it make, how can it be used, how would I use it, does it have the power to change things...)

15. Explosives

Use the following formula to write a story.

1. Place
2. Invent a person who would usually be at this place and describe this person and why he/she would be there
3. Invent a second person, 2+3 start talking (why? do they know each other or not?)
4. Something explosive happens (bomb? shouting argument? car accident? window brakes?)
5. How do 2+3 react to 4. Are they connected to the incident or not? 

16. Listen listen listen

At last, another exercise aspiring writers will be familiar with. Just listen to what you hear right now and make notes of it - can you use any of it? Construct a story? Write a dialogue?

• TV show / or news
• people on a train or on the table next to you in the coffee shop - listen in to their conversation (Ok, just make sure they don't feel like you are stalking them - keep the listening in to a minimum :)
• if you are sitting at home and all is quiet --- is it really? Traffic noise outside? Animals?

Adapted from following website:
http://woman.brigitte.de

Reasons to write your life story

Thinking of writing an autobiography? Your life story?

Let's  think about the reasons for embarking on such project. 


1. Something for your family / friends to remember you

This is probably one of the commonest reasons. Maybe your family has even ask you to write your life story down. And/or you feel that you have something interesting to tell. 

Just imagine if you could read a book / life story written by your grandmother. I would love to read something like that. 



2. To remember a special time or special person in your life

Maybe you grew up or lived in abroad and would like to tell your experience. Or when were in Uni, or moved out, bought your first house etc. 

Maybe you would like to write about a special person in your life (alive or deceased) who meant a lot to you, this could be a life partner, a child, a parent, a friend.



3. You like writing 

You always liked writing, and this may be a good starting point. Write about the subject you know - yourself.



4.  Writing about a particular period in history

Wartime stories are usually very popular. For me this was probably the deciding factor in starting to write. I grew up in East Germany and was in Berlin the night the wall fell. The country of East Germany does not exist any more and my children will never experience it. I feel I would like to preserve a bit to them.  


5. Geneology

You have probably seen the popular TV programs (Who do you think you are) and genealogy is an increasingly common pastime. Maybe that has inspired you to write about something you discovered. And anyone who ever dabbled in genealogy knows that there is always something to be discovered. 


6. A business story

Not too common and I came across this whilst doing some research for this post. Either you have your own business, or are a partner and employee and want to write the story of your business or have been asked to write about your business



--------------

For me, it is probably a combination of almost all of those (apart from No. 6)



---------------

There are probably many more reasons why you may decide to put pen to paper. However, a word of caution. The following two reasons scream danger ... danger ... danger


1. Revenge

Husband had an affair and you want to set the record straight? Your friend betrayed you, family money problems over a bereavement.... the reasons are varied as to why you might feel upset and angry with certain people in your life. But careful.... Libel is not only a legal term, but the whole issue could potentially get more and more upsetting. 


2. Money

Ahm, honestly? Unless you are a celebrity, no-one will want to pay to read your life story. Unless you are very lucky and you have something really extraordinary to tell. 

this is, of course, not to say that you should not maybe try to publish your story and who knows... maybe you will sell copies. But money should probably not be your first motivation.

Psychic experience

Here is an extract on one of my recent short article for potential publication in a magazine (with interest in the spiritual etc.) in the 'Real life Stories' section. It is about a psychic experience during a summer holiday in East Germany:


'Opa' is the German word for 'Grandpa'. My Opa Hermann was born in East Germany in 1902 and died in 1985 in the small East German town where he lived almost all his live. He was a farmer in his younger years and than became a night watch man - I guess what you would call a security guard these days. Though with his small 5ft 4 frame, he certainly wouldn't make a very frightening security guard! This is my first conscious psychic experience, involving Opa Hermann. 

When I was born, the Berlin Wall was already up and for us, this was the normal life. I was an only child living with my parents in a small town, with my maternal grandparents living close by.


Whilst not being explicitly forbidden, spirituality was not something ever talked about in East Germany. Religion was tolerated but certainly not encouraged. There was no such thing as 'Religious Education' in school, and church goers were viewed with suspicion. As a child growing up in the system, for me, they only seemed somewhat odd, didn't fit in. It would not have even occurred to me that there might be things in this world which cannot be explained rationally. 


In the summer of 1985, my parents took me on my first ever holiday to the seaside; I was 16. going on a holiday was not as simple as booking a B&B and getting to the place. 'Holiday places' were allocated in East Germany by whatever state-owned company one worked for. And holidays by the seaside were always particularly popular of course, and very hard to come by. My parents were ordinary workers and first in line for a coveted seaside holiday. I don't know how, but finally they managed to get us a holiday by the seaside. 

Open University no more in 2012

I am serious about becoming a (part time) writer, so serious indeed that I decided to join up with 'good ole' Open University for a creative writing course. Sadly, it's not going to happen. The course fees went up from £700 in 2011 to £2500 in 2012. This is, I guess, in keeping with the government's changes in University funding and hugely increased fees for studying at Uni's. Somehow, it hadn't occurred to me that it would apply to distance learning as well. Sad end of OU learning for me.

I never thought that 'distance learning' would work. Memories of me sitting with 'Advanced English' books in my flat in Berlin, trying to improve my English whenever I had the time which was, well, at times never and at other times a whole weekend non stop. The thing about the Open University is that it gives your learning structure, and the course books are really well thought out and even you do not realise it at the time - they do get the point across. The tutors were a bit 'hit and miss', but nonetheless, I was always looking forward to my once a  month OU classes. The 1 week residential course in Brighton... let's not get there because that would be a whole story just by itself, and yes, it would be a positive, funny, enlightening story. The only negative point  about that 1 week away was that my Ebay account was hacked by unknown. And as I had literally cut myself off for that week (bliss!), I also had not seen the big unauthorised spendings on my account. But I am sidetracking again...

So, I managed to finish my degree in Criminology with Psychological studies in 2010. That means I am a degree holder and cannot apply for loans. I do earn a living, but a very average one, and I simply cannot justify spending £2500 on a distance learning course. Someone once said 'The only way to be a writer is to write' so I guess that's what I will be doing. Will get the OU book from a well known Online book retailer (no Ebay for me) and read it on my daily commute.